Gender Neutral Living  ~  by Kaiven Fenton M.S.

Being and expressing what you naturally are, ought to be a human right. It is for many, but a minority of human beings do not have that right, nor do they have the freedom to be who they naturally are, without fear of retribution from society. This minority of humans includes males who embody many of the qualities considered "feminine" and females who embody many of the qualities considered "masculine."

Animals, plants and humans used to all be called either males or females until someone or some group, decided that human males would henceforth be called "man," "boy" and "masculine" and human females would be called "woman," "girl" and "feminine." 

If it weren't for these inhumane labeling changes, which I believe took place eons ago, human males and females would still be able to be who they naturally are without scorn or fury from other humans, just as plants and animals still are.

Along with those new labels were firmly attached attributes, qualities, characteristics, traits, skills and talents that each male or female would or should be expected to exhibit, whether it was innate, inborn or not. Those labels were called "masculine" or "feminine." If you had male genitalia you must possess or express certain qualities considered and deemed to be "masculine" and if you had female genitalia you must possess or express qualities considered and deemed to be "feminine." This of course goes against all human nature to express and be what we naturally feel at the basic level of humanity and had caused extreme pain, humiliation and injustice for many.

It was no doubt left to religious males to decide the most appropriate or desirable attributes that each human sex should possess and exhibit. Females and probably "feminine" males had no say in the new definitions. In those days, females weren't allowed to even talk politics, let alone have any say in religious or political matters, like deciding which attributes should be permanently assigned to which sex. Religions probably had the largest say.

And so it was required by law for all humans to adopt and live according to the assigned attributes for their sex. It didn't matter whether the attributes were natural to a person or not. These erroneous labels were totally accepted by Society and we have been forced to live by them for many, many decades now or be subjected to cruel and inhumane treatment. Plants and animals however, remained as male and female. Do you ever wonder why? In this twenty-first century, we should not be expected to continue to follow ancient "men's" erroneous ideas and beliefs of their time; that our genitalia is the sole determinate for what qualities, characteristics, attributes, talents, skills and traits we possess.

Although a majority of people's attributes and qualities fit the required genitalia a person had, a minority of folks did not. Millions of us were and still are forced to refrain from experiencing and expressing our natural characteristics, traits, abilities and qualities for fear of retaliation of some sort. If we don't follow the accepted roles, we are frequently abused emotionally and often physically, especially young males; a bit less in the twenty-first century than in past centuries, but still outrageous and painful.

By the year 2000 the younger generation began to protest being forced into a role according to their genitalia. I grew up in the nineteen-forties and fifties in New England and was forced by my mother and society, to play the role of "girl" and "woman" which was not a natural one for me. I could not play with "boy" toys like I wanted to, or act in anyway like "boys" were allowed to act, or I was admonished by my mother or society . As a working adult in the late nineteen-fifties, I was asked to attend "charm school" in the John Hancock Life Insurance Co. in Boston, on company time. There I was taught how to walk, sit and move my body in a "womanly" or "feminine" manner. I had a naturally very long stride, too long for a woman and my mannerisms were not "feminine" enough.

As a female growing up, along with other females labeled "girl" and "woman," we suffered mostly emotionally and psychologically if we did not fit into our role. I had "too many" natural internal "masculine" attributes, qualities and characteristics, so "masculine" men felt justified in making condescending remarks and used other emotional "put downs," like telling me I'm "trying" to be a "man," or "you're not acting like a woman."

I never had the right to be and express what I truly was without negative comments and attitudes towards me. In my sixties, I built a two hundred square foot shed and I received comments from males that, "for a woman" I did a really good building job. My natural building skills, talents and ability I'd gained during my life were not recognized as belonging to me, only as a "woman" with "man's" abilities. Many females have felt the painful effects of not being accepted, or not "staying in our place," or being "too big for our britches," "stepping out of bounds," or "acting like a man." It has been quite painful for me, as well as many other females with "masculine" qualities and attributes to hide our true nature, or when expressing it, be berated in some way.

Think about it for a minute. Those "so called "masculine" qualities that are a natural and internal part of a female, cannot possibly belong only to males. How can they when many females possess them naturally? Also, so called "feminine" attributes, that are a natural and internal part of males, cannot possibly belong only to females. How can they when many males possess them naturally? 

For a minority of males the erroneous classifications and labeling are meant to enforce "masculinity" attributes, changing a male's natural "feminine" attributes in order to fit the disingenuous roles assigned to their sex. Millions of young and older males have suffered psychologically and often physically at the hands of "men" who believe the false labels to be true. The labels allow for, as well as justify actions by many to belittle, criticize, chastise, reprimand and physically torture or kill males for the cause of "masculinity" enforcement, you might say.

Often a young male has and still does commit suicide because the great emotional pain caused because society's abuse is too great to overcome by himself. Unlike for adults, society does not provide help in the form of anonymous groups for young males and females subjected to discriminating and sexist abuse because of belief in society's belief in the erroneous labels and definitions of "man" and "boy" and the "masculine" attributes attached.

Those false labels have prevented millions of humans to be who they naturally are internally, at their deepest levels, with whatever attributes, skills, traits, abilities or characteristics they were born with, or developed. Why are we still forcing a minority of human beings to play or conform to uncomfortable roles, (that the majority probably feel comfortable with,) or else suffer mental or physical indignation of some kind?

Human identity is connected to our deepest and most natural basic nature with characteristics, qualities, attributes and traits and ought not be determined by or sexual organs. No human should ever ask, threaten, assume or suggest we humans should internally change in order to fit the erroneous and stereotypical behavior indicated by the labels or be punished somehow. It goes against our human Nature. 

It is my hope that in the twenty-first century those labels will be banned or outlawed so humans can return to our natural and original labels of male, young male, female and young female, with absolutely no demands that certain attributes, abilities, traits or characteristics be based on genitalia. Two to four percent of humans are born with both male and female genitals. However, genitals have absolutely no connection whatsoever to the characteristics, qualities or attributes a human is born with, or should possess.

In the last century, a few individuals have begun to realize the labels of “masculine” and “feminine” are responsible for the suffering of untold millions. Emotional abuse of females has begun to be more exposed in the past few decades. For example, females who do not stay "in their place" as "women," following their prescribed role, set by the men eons ago, have demanded their basic human rights. Males have had to organize groups to go off in secluded areas to discuss and share feelings on the topic of "what is a man." The elimination of employment opportunities categorized by "male" and "female" in newspapers, ended in the nineteen sixties or so.

I believe we ought to allow all people to be and express who they naturally are, regardless of their genitalia. Qualities, attributes, traits, skills and abilities ought to be seen and accepted as natural again. In order to do this, society would need to eliminate the false labels of "masculine" and "feminine" and create new neutral, non-gendered labels, not connected to a person's sex, like “apple and orange,” to indicate qualities and attributes previously called "masculine" and "feminine." For instance we could use “orange,” or choose some other neutral label, to refer to previously called “feminine” attributes and use “apple,” or some other neutral label, to refer to previously called “masculine” attributes.

Over the span of a few decades, those six erroneous labels of "man, boy, woman, girl, masculine and feminine"  will die from lack of use. People can freely be the human being they naturally are, without retribution. They will finally be able to express their "apple" or "orange" attributes, characteristics, qualities, traits, skills and talents without shame, regardless of their genitals, or physical appearance and without fear of retribution from society.

In reality there is absolutely no connection to the outdated and erroneous connection between one's genitals and the deep down true qualities and characteristics of a human being. When society has decided to eliminate those six erroneous labels, we can borrow a neutral word from another language which will refer to either sex and adopt that word in our US society.

Without genitals dictating or defining millions of lives, there will be absolutely no  basis or reason for someone to harass or abuse anyone for not having or exhibiting their natural “orange” or “apple” characteristics, traits, qualities, skills, or abilities. There will be no more shame for the many millions, who for centuries, have had to hide in the shadows out of fear of parental or societal retribution including myself, for exhibiting the wrong roles or having the "wrong" internal characteristics, talents, attributes, traits, skills, abilities and gifts for a female or male body. Internal natural instincts and intuition will define us, not our genitalia.

Freedom to be me…wow what a concept! It brings tears to my eyes at just the thought of being able to live with the cultural freedom to express my natural talents, skills and abilities openly, without being condescended to, told I'm trying to be a "man." Also for many young males especially, being threatened, tortured, humiliated, killed or ending their own lives, for which society ought to at least begin to provide support in the form of anonymous groups.

I will not live long enough to experience this freedom, but other younger current presumed “misfits” may. However, it could take another century at least, for generations of  humans to evolve enough to experience the freedom of being who they naturally are.

My friends, family and I have been using the non-sexist "apple and orange" labels for over forty years, easily and effectively. Surgeons are making billions by cutting up bodies to more match the false sexist labels. This, instead of changing the labels to more match people's natural internal qualities, characteristics, attributes and behavior, with NO surgeries needed. 

My hope is that everyone will realize that, "You and your body are not flawed or defective. Only society is!"

Feedback, opinions, email kaiventwospirit@gmail.com

 

 Eternal Silence

Have you listened to snowflakes 

fall on a quiet wintery day

or watched silent clouds float by

beneath a quiet moon and stars?

Have you noticed in the

 darkness, the stillness 

of the night 

as the enormous earth spins 

silently around a quiet sun?

’Tis silent Life that flows within 

and around us we can see

a very quiet beauty

in the silence of the trees 

as well as blooming flowers

and very gentle rivers 

flowing out to quiet seas

You cannot hear apples grow

or peaches ripening

Nor can you hear 

potatoes, beets and carrots 

growing in the ground 

You cannot hear a spider,

goldfish, worm or lizard

‘cause they don’t make a sound

Our hair and nails grow silently

as do growing bones

while most cuts and bruises 

heal quietly themselves

and our eyes in silent stillness 

can emit a quiet love

Life expresses all Her beauty

in a most soundless way

and when we know it’s possible

we can do our part

and BE Life’s quiet stillness 

within our own head and heart.   

Kaiven Twospirit ~ 2017

 Ineffable Life

Help me to express You

There is nothing here to see

Who are You really and

why do You love me

You are me and I AM You

in this here world of ours

You love me as I AM

I love You as you are

You express through blades of grass,

the rose and squirrel too

I am You the spider

We are One we are

Tears of joy are flowing

Together we are clouds

There is no here, there is no there

We are always One right here

Connected by the Essence

of the Love we truly are

sharing Life eternal

whether here or near or far

That which rises from within

and makes our bodies move

from beating hearts 

and breathing lungs

to everything we know

Life is one big mystery 

we cannot see or touch

But we are That and only That

Can’t be any more than That

We are Life in all her glory

expressing out through forms

not beginning, never ending

no one here knows why

You cannot find us in a book

We’re only seen 

by those who look

and know that they are we

Being One together with

bees and birds and trees

flowers, leaves, and butterflies

closer than intimacy 

Kaiven Fenton ~ 2020

 STEPS TOWARD ENDING VIOLENCE  by Kaiven T. Fenton  M.S.

initially written in 1994

Violence in our society is extremely destructive, costing billions of dollars each year in prisons, medical care, loss of innocent life, etc. The only permanent solution to all violence in society, as well as in an individual, is to prevent the buildup of unexpressed feelings in the first place.

Our society seems tragically unaware of the potential danger of unexpressed emotional pain. That pain doesn’t just dissipate on its own. A few fortunate children have an opportunity for expression with healthy adults who can address it and teach them how to handle it appropriately. But where does the emotional pain of the unlucky children go?

For far too many kids, that pain stays unexpressed inside in the early stages. Then the feelings continue to build and pile upon themselves, often for years, getting stronger and stronger, ultimately turning into rage, fury and violence. If these emotions are not acknowledged up front and allowed release in a healthy manner, they will be released somehow…and in ways society does not approve of. Expressed outwardly, anger is seen in the form of classroom disruption, bullying, animal killing, torture, rape, domestic violence, child abuse, or outright mass killings. Expressed inwardly it is seen in the form of addictions, suicides, cutting, eating disorders, depression and chronic anxiety. 

There are hardly any places currently for young children to safely share their emotions and be heard, loved and respected. Feelings of being bullied, abused or neglected by siblings, parents or others, during growing up years beg for a healthy release. On the other hand, adults are encouraged to share their feelings at many various anonymous meetings and community groups. Why are we still denying our children that same basic, well known and natural need?

Most of society is extremely uncomfortable with acknowledging these deep “negative” emotions within themselves even, let alone in their children. So we have not been able to admit that there is a dire need for a healthy expression of them, before they build to rage. It is easier and more acceptable to focus on weapons, drugs, illegal immigration or almost anything else, as the cause of violence in our society. And oh, we dare not hold parents responsible for abusing their children and offer them help. We cannot blame parents for abusing their children.

Most parents do not know of healthy ways to express their own negative emotions, let alone teach their children how. Millions of Americans do not have time for themselves, let alone time for all of their children’s emotional needs. In addition, one or both parents are often working, usually out of economic necessity and coming home exhausted with still more household chores to do. With several children in a family, inner life is forced to take a back seat in the whirlwind of family life, which comes at a huge price for everyone.

Unfortunately it is next to impossible for parents or caretakers to purposefully abuse their children. Anyone who abuses a child out of their own anger or frustration has no doubt been abused or traumatized themselves, when they were young. We cannot justifiably blame abusers for their actions! They do not know how to overcome their abusive teachings, without help. They do the best they know how to with what they've been taught growing up.

This is sad for me to recognize. I would like to shine some light on this “elephant in society’s living room.” It takes a “village” to raise emotionally healthy children to adulthood and we don’t live in tribes or have a village any more to help us out. Extended families, who used to live nearby, have mostly disappeared. Therefore we, as a society, can NOT continue to rely on, or expect parents alone, to have the knowledge and time to tend to the angry and frustrating emotions of their little ones, in a healthy manner. Our children are desperate to feel heard and respected by someone they trust as they become future adults and citizens.

The late Marshall Rosenberg devoted many years traveling around the world and in corporate America, teaching people how to listen to each other empathically because, to be heard is a basic human need. Alice Miller, a well known psychologist said that even a badly abused child can turn out to be a happy, productive citizen if they have at least ONE person in their life who can listen to them and allow them to feel heard and respected.

In our ever increasing stressful society, every child deserves the right to a healthy emotional development, as well as the three R's. We have a powerful opportunity, to relieve our children of the extreme stress of carrying their emotional burdens alone. You have probably heard of instances where that one special person in a child’s life, a teacher, big brother or sister, mentor or counselor, who made a big difference in their life. If you ask the child what caused them to change for the better, they will tell you they felt listened to and that made all the difference.

We as a society, can choose to either provide opportunities for children to verbally share their personal anguish while growing up, or we can continue to not listen and experience physical violence from them later on…it is our societal choice. What better place to offer children help, then in our public schools and daycare centers where children gather every day, year after year? It takes a special adult to be able to allow a child to feel heard. I am certain that if we have the will, we can train volunteer “mentors and listeners” to effectively listen to every toddler and child express painful emotions. This can be done in a safe setting, every day in day care centers, pre-school and grade schools across America. 

Trained volunteers do not have to fix a child’s life or even stop abuse in it, referrals can be made to other programs specifically designed to address special situations. Volunteer listener trainees can be almost any willing person, from college and high school students to older and retired people, after thorough background checks and very special training. If our “future adults” are respected and heard as children, they will then know how to break the violence cycle for themselves and their own potential children for generations. Only then can a more nurturing, respectful and peaceful society flourish.

The first step however, is to convince society that (1) toddlers as well as young children deserve and are desperate for, an opportunity to be lovingly and respectfully heard. (2) implement a plan that will require every school and day care center across the United States to provide well trained volunteer listeners and mentors from the community; people who can maintain trusting relationships from pre-school, through grade school at least. This is the "village" we need nowadays.

Along with listener mentors, we also need to redesign our schools by “marrying” the educators with the social workers and psychologists, together under one roof or close by. That way the emotional needs of students will be tended to by those most qualified, leaving teachers free to teach. The current school counselors could be responsible for training and managing the trained volunteer listeners. Working in this preventative manner should prove much less stressful for social workers.

If space can be provided close by, social workers and psychologists can focus full time on the prevention of violence. It could replace their being overburdened with maximum caseloads of families, yanking children out of homes and away from parents who simply did not know how to listen to them. They can focus their support to the concerns of the children and caretakers referred to them, by the specially trained listeners. This effort can prevent much violence from happening in our society.

With continued opportunities for children to receive emotional respect and support, internal fertile ground for emotional rage and fury simply will cease to exist. Feeling heard, loved and respected are the most significant things to a child. That alone would prevent much of the dangerous internal buildup of violent emotions we see expressed in society today. 

Eventually the unprecedented amount of federal, state and local monies that are now being spent for a criminal justice system that simply doesn't work, can be redirected toward covering the cost of an education system that also includes a much needed emotional development. 

Our society cannot feel peaceful until our kids grow up feeling peaceful, since our society is made up of grown up kids.

Will we continue as we are, blaming everything else for the daily societal violence we witness? Or are we ready now to grow into a healthy and peaceful society, where all future adults can grow up feeling respected, loved and heard, by a caring and supportive "community village?" We have only two challenges, #1-Rearrange our country's priorities and #2-Put a simple, inexpensive listening solution into practice.

rev. 9/'22                                                            kaiventwospirit@gmail.com  for comment

POEM -- God Singing

God sings to me 

in the daylight and

from every single tree

She sings to me 

a song of love

reminding me I’m free

God sings to me 

from the flowers

inspiring great delight

She sings to me 

from the hillside

and in the dead of night

God sings to me 

from the ocean

and from the 

moon and stars

She sings in 

every rainstorm

she is never very far

God sings to me 

when I’m weary

sounding loud and clear

She sings when 

I’m not listening

knowing I am here

Kaiven Twospirit ~ 2018